dark-moment

i love him still

2007-10-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

yea yea..i know wat u guys wanna say..but i cant help being like tat until i find another 1..><"..

here's another old poem i wrote n forgot to post..gomenasai..

you said you love me
you said you'd give me everything..now i know..wat u gave me was
all your evilness n cruelness by using it on me,and stole my heart away and locked it up so it wont be free to love
i trusted u..ending up betrayed by you

i look into ur eyes once more..hoping to see me inside you..
but..i brought my hopes too high
there's a girl in there..
and i know it wouldnt be me..
everynite,i stare at the stuff doll u gave me,
wondering..
"are you doing the same thing as i am?"
but i know..the ans is never going to be wat i was expecting..
thru out the night..flashback keep coming..
making me feel like i was a prisoner..kept behind the bars..
tortured by the memories u gave me..
hoping for a light to redeem me out of this lonelyness..why do i have to suffer this pain?..
wat did i do to have all these pain?..

i really loved u..and somehow..it wont fade..
but..everytime i try to forget bout you..the more flashback i hav..

i'm a bird trapped in a cage..unable to fly towards u and tell u how much i love u
i can only see thru the bars..and see wats more to her then to me..
tears ran thru my reddish cheek..as i watched..if u're happy..then i will be too
but deep in my heart..
i wish tat it will be me tat make u happy..

sowie for the long timed post..hhehe ^^"

this it wat i read thru my horrible chattie box..><"

2007-09-06T14:58:00.000-07:00

before i start off..i wanna say..i shudn't hav come in my blog..b4 i came in i hav a bad feeling..i dunno y..but i dun care bout it..i juz click..when i read the Cbox..i know juz now..tat bad feeling..was true..well i guess my blog is meant to be a emo blog..since even my Cbox is full wit ppl tat hates me..sigh..well..i know alot of u ppls out there hate me..i duno y or who go let out my bad side make me onli gt jie yinn this fren..and i can feel tat elaine is thinking tat i'm taking away jie yinn..elaine..i'm nt..i'm juz hanging out wit her as a good fren..u hang out more than she do to me..^^..as i continue..i hope u all will know..my heart is now complete sad..ok..i know u will say..
"argh..there she goes wit her pity emo style" and stuff..but no..i'm nt trying to be emo or pity..i juz need ur patient as u read this..thx..

as wat Anonymous3 had say in my Cbox..she say i sux..her mom say i nid a attidute change..but..wat does my voice had to do wit this?!?..is my natural voice..u cant actually calling me to change it..tat far too much as i hav to say..u say i'm loud..is a good thing..nt all gurls ar loud..i wont n nvr will change my loudness(lols..)..and i know u nid me to change..y insult me?..wat did i ever insult u?..maybe a lil insult as joke last time..but..i know..tat i dun meant it deep down..i know i did insult u as.."haha..see ur pimple so big..dun eat too much la"..but i know..tat i dun see tat as ur weak point..i love my best fren.. i love her alot..but tat time when i know she hates me..i really can die..i can lose my lover..i can lose my precious stuff..but when i lose things i know i nid my best fren alot..but she was nvr there when i REALLY needed here tat 1 time..it really hurts tat i hav to go thru the whole thing including gettin over wit my break up wit my best fren..

here i wish to tell tat to jean's mom..(jean if u read this..call ur mom come read it..is for her..thx)

hie auntie..i know i've been rude n a spoilt brat in ur hse..but i didn't mean to..
i know there's 1 time i called to call jean to go out..i call the hse coz jean didn't pick up her phone..i called and u said tat jean havent wake up..seriously..my hse phone is really weird..tat i can barely hear wat u said..i went to ur hse..><"..and i remember auntie ur face completely change..i'm so sry..><..and auntie thx for ur cookies n cake tat u bake..it was nice..truely..^^
and i hope u forgiv me n my rudeness last time..

back to main thing..here i post all these is for forgivness..><"..but i know i onli hurt jean the most..sk..and ermm..who else..some i guess is minor hurt??..i duno..sry if i ever hurt any1 of u guys who will read my lame blog..><"

and..to 101sumone (can i know who are u?)..thx for the advise..as u say frens are beautiful ppl..i know..i do look at them as beautiful ppl..><"..but..i try hard..to make them look twice at me..i wan to take me as real fren..but nt as.."oh..ther she is..faster go..later she come tok wit us" or smth like tat..><"..i wan to be normal..n nt some freak..

for my whole life..this year is my worse year ever..from may till sept..nth has gone rite..there is no positive things happen to me..i feel like breaking down..but..i know u ppl will say.."see..she acting pity agn"..i really hope for positive things..i'm like any odinary gurl who wans frens more then anything else..

i'm nt writting essay now..i'm confessing..

jean..i notice..ur way of looking at me n tok to me..ar like..dislike me instead of the face of wanting me to change..i hope u really wan me as ur best fren..nt..as an enemy..

i'm going to bed..now is 6am in the morning where i can write blog wit peace..^^..maybe gt alot of spelling error..coz i'm writting under a dark room..where i cant even see my fingers.. :P

Scout Day...

2007-07-07T00:28:00.000-07:00

boring day~..

n test is near!!NOOOOOOO!!

haih..wat can i do now..all my luckyness is all gone..haihh..

oh well..start my blog...hoho...

today!.........

^^..wake up...

then...brush teeth..as i watch the clock ticking so slow..i went n use the comp..=D.

*my sis went langkawi n penang for 1 week* *ngekk!*

after i use awhile..i went brushing teeth change to my scout T..

then...my aunty fetch me n my couz to school..=D..

well..today was kinda weird..i guess..we heard whistle..then we ran to our own petrol..and wat nex..=.=...we were counsel!!!!><"..by who?? our..troupe leader!..

wat great day..we had to stand there for like 30min i guess..><"..

n then..we played game..1st station...

The Flour-On-Face game *name it myself..XD*

each round require 2 ppl..

require to compete against other group..=D..

then..each group 5 pairs of ppl..*each group gt 16 ppl*

so..1 of each pair hav to be blind-folded..*i'm 1 of em..=D*

then the 2nd person hav to guide the blind folded person to the opposite table..

but 1st..the 1st person..have to spin 10 round on its ground..then onli walk..=D..

walk walk walk walk~AH HAH!!..there is the table..then..u hav to put ur head inside..n then..use ur mouth to find 1 peanut inside..then..take it out..and..peel it..after tat..the other person tat guide the blindfolded person will nid to use the chopstick to take the peanut..to the opposite table..n put it in a cup..n then start another pair..^^

as we played..i have flour on al most my hair till my chest..XD..paisehnyaaa..LOL..jkjk..

then..our nex game is to play...Dun-Say-It*name by me agn..hoho*

each team will hav to send a representive to explain..

pick a card..and..explaine..strictly no hand language n movement..

u cannot use the words given in tat card u ar holding..and each of the other member guess and 1 ans correct is +1 mark..

it was my turn..i was nervous..but those words were tough..i cant even think bout other words to describe it..i accidentally slip one word out of my mouth from the card..n -1 mark..T.T

then we play..stand-dun-fall *name by me agn!!*

this game i lazy to explaine..but it was fun..i enjoy it..=D..

then is result time..

our group get 2nd place..but still lost..haih..oh well..=D..

the winner group is troupe leader and he is in tat group too..

oh well the losers get the punishment from the no1 group..haih..

and our punishment is...............................................

.......................................

banana dance!!!

lol..we did tat dance..it was cute n fun..=]..n then we were dismissed..hehe

after tat i went to canteen wit my frens..then..he was there too..

then they wanted to stay back for the new formation in scout de..i did nt stay back coz i'm hungryyy...*RAWRR*

then..as i waited for my couz to end her choir..i was still the canteen..and i saw elaine!!n others..

as usual..jean did nt bother bout me..haih..nid to get over it neways..

then..choir ends..n i came home..n eat..n bath me doggie~~..cute nyuuuu..~

at nite..me my daddie n my bro went to sunway..we ate dragon-i..yummy~

after tat..my dad went timberland shop..he test some cloths...n he bought 1 of it..is cost RM288.. omg rite??haih wat to do daddie likes to shop too..XD

then we walk walk..i saw a watch..is for male..coz..i'm kinda having a thought of buying him a watch for his up-coming bday..^^..shhh..dun tell o~..secret.. ^^v

and then we went to baskin robbin..while eating..i thought of alot of things..bout him and me..><

then after eating is late..then i came back..home-sweet-home..

the pic up there dun mind it..i'm juz trying how to put pics..=]..today no pic coz phone no life..XD..

Campfire Makes Me Warm..i guess.XD

2007-06-18T17:07:00.000-07:00

weeeeeee..is campfire nite n i get to skip class..wee..but there is onli 6 ppl attend class today..WOW..n cik goh still go on teaching..WTF!!..she sux neway..haha..good thing is..i get to skip class n get to play wit pn.chen's lil baby..=D oh so cute~~..she seem to like my phone chain poring..XD..hahaz..so adorable!!~~..i heart babies!!~~XD..they ar like fantasy unicorn..ok..tats too over..lol..i get to see him whole day too..although we did not tok..looking at him from behind is enuff..=)..and at around 2pm..how ming invited me to eat wit her family..along wit kangyi guo cheng..and wenhao..=D..haha..we went to the chinese store in usj2..near F&G..^^..we ate..n then i hav a small conversation wit how han's mom..=D..it was ok..his mom is really frenly..^^..after tat we went to howhan's house..we went to the bball court n play bball..although i dunno how to play..XD..agak agak la..hehe..we play..till 3.10 pm..then the guys hav a bath in how han hse..i no bring any cloths..so is ok..XD...i dun stink..i think..haha..then is 4pm..howhan's mom fetch us to school again~..haha..

oh boy..campfire theme.."middle of nowhere"..and all usherz have to wear sarung..omigosh..i wore..n i look so..so...OLD!!..I'M NOT OLD..I'M ONLI 14!!!..lol..n i saw how han kangyi wore them...HAHA!!they look "FANTASTIC"...LOL..totally looking like kampung style..=D..while i was changing to sarung..we were all so frustrated bout how to wear sarung..XD..and suddenly..the door opens..a shining light strikes in..n here comes our savior..---->KELLY LIM~~!!..she help us with our sarung..hahaz..=D..

haihzz..its raining..and..we cant see fire performances!!noooo!!..nvm..at least the show goes on!~..we get to use the hall!!~weeeee..^^..but we have to carry chairs around..ARGH!!!..then..we asked all the guest to go in the hall~..rules time..

1. no hotpants...spaghetti cloths..tube etc~
2. no ticket no show...=D

so simple..and yet the gangsters wan to hav free show n they juz bugde in like tat..tats ok..but...ther is a humonges guy among them..he step on my leg..!!!..is FRIGGIN PAIN..='(..sob..
lucky i no shout..X_X..haha..then we watch the show...oh my god..is the zombie dance now..n he is on stage!!AAAAAAA...so nice!!!.i shout and cheer for them..i saw him..he looks kinda funny wit the tattered clothes..XD..oh ya..i rmb..i hate jillyan..she is totally a spoiled brat..i was usher..she was too..i was checking on ticket for the guest..1 of the guest her the ticket was wit her fren..so i called jillyan to help me look after her untill she shows her ticket..i saw tat guest ticket..and i let her go..jillyan was so blur..she pulled my hair..so dam hard..i was like FUCK U..=.=..she say..u let tat lady trick..i shout..wth u wan la..i saw her ticket d k..n i pulled back hers..wat a fuck up person..=.=..hmmph..

as the show goes on till end of the night...it was tiring for me..><"..i went home..i sat on the sofa..n fell asleep..then my mom woke me up call me go bath..=D..after a hot bath..i was like..AAAHHHH so refreshing!~~nyuuuu..then i went to bed..=D..b4 sleeping..i though of him..=]..then i had my goodnite sleep..=D

I Miss The Good Old Days..

2007-06-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

holidayyyy....boring as usuall...~~~..no frens to sms wirh..no fren to go out wif..so deng god bored..y am i so sad??...y my daddie hav to go out station ?? i wan my freen gegnting trip i had it everytime i gt time to go genting!!i wan go cameron to se those beautiful butterfly n those nicely bloom flowers in the temple..but..all is juz a dream...my luck is dead..all i hav wit me is bad luck..emo..and moodless dead body..

i have nth to do..stay in hse...eat sleep play..do hw..BORED...n when it comes to project..no 1 knows~~so deng unlucky..now cik goh is gonna say "i giv u all so many time u all dun do..last minit onli do"..dam shyt..she nvr even show us how tat dam project looks like..=.="..i used love school..i can see my frens..hav fun wit them..n now..in my most weakest n pathetic times..no1 is with me..they all left me without a sound n without a note..i'm crumbling...nobody cares..i'm breaking down..no1 knows..i'm going crazy..like anybody cares??...this world is full wit unfairness..n i'm affected..

i miss those days...those days which i laugh n make jokes wit my fren..having my good sweet kiss after school from my dearest boyfren...i miss walking in "seafield walk" wit him on early afternoon of friday..i miss those time when all my frens n my boyfren when out n hav fun..jokes..laughter..a kiss..a hug over the waist..a meal after a day of shopping n joking around..
i miss those time..where my frens gav me comfort n make me strong again..i miss those time where he scolded me...i miss his kisses..his hugs..his sweet tokings..his gifts..his everything..i miss everything they all hav..i miss the cake they bought me..i miss the laughter we make in the cinemas..i miss the kissed n hugs in the cinema..i miss the hugs from u(jean) coz is cold..i miss ur voice when u laugh..i miss the look when u smiled at me wit ur cute face..i miss when u told me u love me..i miss the times when u say u wanna go out wit me n the other gurls for shopping..i miss those time we tok alot on phone.....................................but...all this make me so painful..coz they all left me...n it became a sad ending to me...when i start to miss those times..my hearteche..i regretted treating u all bad...treating u all like u all were invisible..nvr think of ur feelings n got angry..i'm so sry..i wan u all back..i wan those old times back..i wan u all to tell me "lets be best frens once more" or " i miss you " ..i want it all back...is all my payback for threating u guys badly...pls...tell me u love me once more..tell me...plss.......i cant live without u 2...is too painful..i lost one..n after tat i lost 2....both are the most important fren i nid...a fren tat is part of my heaert n part of my life...i miss u both..could u both forgive me?..i dun hav the courage to tell u 2 wit my mouth...but i hope u all will visit my blog..pls.

i miss u 2...
i miss her..
i miss him.

i'm sry to both of u.
i'm sry to her..
i'm sry to him...

My Lonely Dayz Without You n I'm Sry To Both of You

2007-06-04T04:08:00.000-07:00

My Lonely Dayz Without You n I'm Sry To Both of You

As usual..i woke up..but todays abit tiny diff..i dreamt of him..as you all know..i missed him..pretty much..ok fine i admit..i miss him tonezzz..happie??=.="..nvm..ok..i dreamt of him..we were having a veli nice date..onli 2 of us..and..i seem veli happy inside hugging his hand while walking..he look pretty happie too..=D..but *poof* my alarm rang..arghhhh...how rude of it..it was a dream tat i nvr wanna wake up...but..i dun think i can hav anymore dreams like tat anymroe..<='(..

i change to my casual cloths..n cycle to cc(cyber cafe) as it was a veli bored day i predict..n after i went cc..is 12 noon..n i havent eat my breakfast..so i cycle to the mamak store..and i order milo ice..n roti canai..and u know wat..they say.."soli ya moi..roti canai dah habis.."..i was like wth!!..is like a roti canai wit no flour..a mamak wit no roti canai??omg..nvm..as i paid for my drink i left 2.70..so i wanted to buy some food home..iwas thinking of..wanton mee..n i went there the guy told me..wanton mee is RM4.00 i was like "noooooooooooo"..well as u see..things are not going as wat i wanted..so i when home wit no food..lucky my mom cook

so i reach home..i rest..n my sis's present package came..my sis open it..n it was a pen wit her name on it..so sweet..i dun hav such luckyness as my sis..=(..so it is nite~~..it is like usual..i watch my 9.00pm show..and then i go admire my my new phone (w810i) bought by my dad 2 days ago..it is hot..n sexy..i love it..=D..but a smiling heart doesnt mean a smiling heart..the onli thing tat will make my heart laugh n smile is "you"..do "you" know?..

i miss "you" alot..everynight..i'm crying coz i miss "you" like crazy..i wan to hav the courage to ask u.."do u miss me?do you think wat am i doing now?do want me back to ur side?" i miss those times tatu told me tat u love me..told me tat u'll love me forever..i wan those time back..i wan to listen to ur voice when u scolded me..i wan to ur hand to hug my waist again..i wan u to love me again..tats all i wanted..i love u without a condition..but..u love wit me a thousand of condition..even those tat i cant fulfill..y cant u giv me another chance to prove tat i'll love u treat u..100 times better then i used to?..y cant u juz be my baby back?..y wont u accept me..or u ar plotting to hurt me like this since the day u say u will take care of me forever?..issit all this a lie??..i entrusted u wit my heart..and u betray me n stab it juz like tat..do u know how much it hurts?..i'm now heartless..i dun wan to bliv any1 but u..i wan to bliv the impossible..to bliv tat u will once again call me ur one and onli love one...will u wait for me..?will u bliv wat i bliv?do it matter to u?i'm will to love u till i die..as long as u love me like u used to..i'm willing to sacrifice everything juz to wait for u to say "i love u" again..i am willing to give up all my fame all my result all my everything to make u say those words again..like i miss u..i love you..i'll never leave me..i say tat i dun like ur bad side..i hate u breaking ur promises..all those are all lies..i love ur everything..and tats from my deep heart..pls...tell me u love me once more..i wanna listen to u saying those words..i wan u to protect me from everything..when i told u last time tat i lost my path...is coz..u are my path..u are my light..but u vanish in the most important time n nvr to be found..i always tot i could hav a second chance..jie yinn always comfort me wit.."xiang qi jia you..dun giv up..if u work harder..he will giv u a 2nd chance"..how i wish those words are true..but..no matter how hard i try..u cannot see it no more..u are immune to watever tat is related to me..

i hope u understand..

as to my best friend..
i'm sry i treated u bad..i'm sry i bully u..i'm sry tat i make u mistaken tat i would insult u becoz of ur weak point...but now..look at me..i'm more pathetic then u were when u know u cant hav him no more..i know u love him alot..is as same as i love him..but there is a thing i really hope u would not do..pls..dun betray me even u hated me now..i'm willing to giv u the best present u ever had..juz i hope tat u will giv me a 2nd chance too..i really miss those time u go out wit me n other frens..where we enjoy so happily..we took picture of so many happie moment we had..but..y does this have to end coz of a lil thing??i nvr intend of comparing ur marks wit mine..i was juz wanting to hav some fun time..but i nvr know u were in a bad mood..i'm so sry i made u angry..made u sad..made u feel insulted n pissed..but..there is too a thing tat i really nid to say..hope u dun mind..i hope u dun becoz of how han u become so moody..and bad temper..u werent like tat last time..i wan the innocent the happy wei jean tat i once knew..the happie gurl which giv me alot of cute n funny times to remember..the gurl tat help me when i'm in need of her..in need of her advice..i hope tat u will love me back as i love u now..='(..i wan to see u smile again..for u is easy to find sum1 better then him..but for me..he is the onli him..no other guys will tell me those 3 words..as u see..there is alot of boys tat like ur cheeky attitude..no guys like me coz of my bad attitude..n uncontrolable whacking skill..i hope u will read wat i wrote la..=D..hope u hav a wonderful holiday..i love u..miss u..this is the words for u wei jean..

for my dearest ex bf..
if u read this blog..i hope tat u will know tat now i'm at my weakest..i hope u will come heal my wound..coz..u're the onli medicine i hav..<=]..i love u..my one n onli baby..

A Poem That Reflect My Feeling Deep Within Me

2007-05-31T03:57:00.000-07:00

A Poem That Reflect My Feeling Deep Within Me.

Feel the blowing leaves and reeds

Lying on our backs in that field

Felt like we were the only humans

Banished in the middle of no where

Staring at the thousands of stars

Feeling the crisp night prickle my spine

Feeling your heart beat so close to mine

And repeatedly saying the same three words

"I love you" is what you told me

Before we promised we would be together

Forever and ever, you have my heart

And I could feel your warm embrace

And now I'm here, all alone

Wondering what I've done so wrong

Watching my whole life before my eyes

And feeling the cruel world crash down on me

Can't you see what pain you've caused?

Can't you see I'm dying...

i hope this is not true

2007-05-21T18:43:00.000-07:00

21st may..i was moody as usual..today..i can confirm tat wei jean DO NOT like me not more..nvm..i hav nth to say d..n..i invited him to meet me coz i was planning to ask him bout some stuff..but..he went the wrong place..=.=..is ok..then..at night..joshua msg me..we chat bout my prob..he told me to let go of my ex..i told him i wont..i really love him deeply..but..when we chat till the end..he told me tat my ex told joshua tat joshua ask my ex..whether he will giv me a 2nd chance..n my ex say.."no"..i REALLY hope tat it is a joke..n i hope is not real..i really hope tat is not true!!!!!..n so..b4 i sleep..i cried..n i'm really sad..n i blamming myself for all this break up..i nvr treated my ex right..i really regretted..but.. it is too late..he would not giv me a 2nd chance..n this night..i did not hav a goodnight sleep..i keep flip here n there..juz coz i keep thinking tat he will not giv me a 2nd chance le....i really regretted for nvr treating him rite..i really wan to correct my mistake..but..i know is impossible..

i really hope this day is not true...!!..

i'm sorry for the way i treated u..i'm sorry for the way tat i nvr care bout u when we're together..i'm really sorry..i really want u back..i wan u back..pls..giv me a 2nd chance to correct my mistake..pls..

My Poem..

2007-05-20T20:16:00.000-07:00

My Poem

- HeartBroken I

My soul aches,

My heart breaks.

A tear in my eye,

I'll forever cry.

I wish my pain away,

I wish it away today.

Why does it hurt so bad,

Does this make him glad?

Why does he douse my inner flame?

Was this breakup my blame?

What did I do to deserve this?

I just wish I could have one last kiss.

Why am I so heartbroken?

A depressed soul I'll always be,

Everyone will always see.

I will be strong,

Because he was wrong.

This is now the past,

It's going very fast.

Love so simple,

but hard to say,

It keeps me living another day.

I'm drowning in thoughts of how things use to be,

My chest was shut tight,

complete with purity.

It's been a bad day,

I'll try letting it not show,

Another sad day,

I'm just letting it go.

Why am I so heartbroken?

HeartBroken II

Is there a better place,

To be right now,

Than to be home,

Listening to the crickets' sounds,

Outside the windows.

Is there a better place,

To be right now,

Than in the bed,

Closing my eyes,

Falling into a deep sleep,

To forget about the days,

Forget about the nights,

Forget about you.

Heartbroken,

Nothing better than to sleep,

To forget that you are gone,

To forget your lies,

Forget the way,

You told me,

You loved me,

Forget the way,

You looked at me,

When you left me,

I want to forget,

I want to leave this world,

Close my eyes,

Fall to sleep to stop the heart,

From beating.

I block my ears,

From hearing the sounds,

Like your voice,

Like when you sing to me,

Those lovely songs,

They sounded so tender,

Now they kill me,

They hurt me,

I dont want to hear anything,

Dont want to hear the waves,

Hitting against the sand,

Dont want to hear the birds,

Chirping outside the windows.

Dont want to see my face,Dont want to see you,

Dont want anything,

That has to do with you,

I want to close,

I want to block away,

The world to stop the pain,

In my heart.

I want my heart to stop beating,

To stop bleeding,

From your words,Your lies.

-HeartBroken III

Heartbroken
beautiful pieces of the past
shattered torn broken on the floor
try to move on
but the heavy chains
hold strong chains
that were once your warm embrace
they imprison me now
to soak in my misery and loneliness
in the dark dungeon of the
lost
cold
damp
lonely
it swallows me whole
swirling in my memories of you and me
those soft lips endearing eyes sweet smile
all turning slowly to sobs glares and frowns
What was so alive
what had such warmth
is now but a cold dead corpse
rotting slowly in my mind
The love and joy i used to know
the laughs we shared
the love we made
all vaporized within one pathetic moment
and the love
that took so long to build
all destroyed burned crushed in a lightning flash,
i will always love you
even if you don't love me.
I am heartbroken

My Poem..

2007-05-17T21:16:00.000-07:00

Frens Were Nvr Real,
So is Love,
They Are A Bunch Of Fucking Liars & Lies,
Who Break Your Fucking heart,
and tell you they still love you.
Frens Are Liars.
Love Are Lies..
Lovers Are Liars Who Tell You Lies Like..
" I Love You "

My Pain And Regrets..

2007-05-16T04:17:00.000-07:00

To all of u who read this post..i think u all might think i'm emo..actually..i am..n i'm about to be drive crazy till i'll 1 day commit suicide..bliv me..is true..n to those who know me..i'm sry to make u all help me..to make my day happier from my emo-ness..but so sry..

this is my pain..

14th May..he broke up wit me..which is the time tat i loved him most deeply..but he wouldn't know..now i'm telling..when the laste bell rang..i hug my frens n cried out loud..i cry n cry n cry..till i even wet my pillow wit my own tears n slept..b4 i sleep..he told me.."eventhough we cant be lovers..we still can be frens"..i ignore tat msg n kept crying and i kept thinking bout tat 17th may will be 6th month wit him..but coz i cant get it of my mind..so i kept on crying..and i saw the tortuise he gave me as my bday present..when he gave it to me he said "if u're moody or sad..juz look at this tortuise.."..but..whenever i look at it..my tears will rapidly flow out..n it is uncontrolable..

15th May..i went school wit a hell of a moody mood..which i nvr eat b4 coming to school..my eyes is so dry..tat it really hurt..n sometimes my tears even flow down without me knowing..n i cant stop it..all i can do is hide it..it really do hurt..my heart was really tore apart..my fren..kept on take time n help me..n kept telling me he'll giv me a 2nd chance..but..all i think is "if i could get a 2nd chance..i will nvr do the same mistake..but..i bet he wont giv me a 2nd chance.."..and so on my tears flowed out agn..lil by lil..i hav a fren she told me.."if u had a 2nd chance..i think u would do better..n i will support u.."..i love her alot as a best fren (jie yinn)..she gav me lots of advice..on if i had 1more chance..but i dun think i will hav..i really love him alot..i really miss him alot..i really wan him badly back..becoz of him i cried almost once per hr in class n every second in the night..i tried to killed myself..but he did msn to me n told me not to do stupid stuff..but..i hav no choice anymore..if i cannot take it anymore..i might do it..coz..if i end my life..i wont be a burden to him no more..n he could love other gurls as he like..n not wrying bout me..and so..i decided to do it..if i could not do my best to be wit him again..after my tuition ..which is 10.30..he smsed me..n say "r u ok?these few day i saw u keep crying nia..try tok on9 ba"

16th may..(today)..i went to cc wit jean..n i saw him there..he nvr tok to me..we went summit wit joshua kai ning jean n him..he nvr tok to me still..then we walk to U6 padang..n they hav their tok..n i'm as lonely as ever staying in my own place..entertaining myself..n yet i do also cry la(of coz)..after tat my fren justin called him to hav a short tok wit me..bliv me is really short..he tok me.."wat u wan me to do..?"..i ans.."i dunno.."..i asked him back.."then wat wan from me??"he ans.."as long as u dun do stupid stuff can ad.."..then i say "even i do stupid stuff..also none of ur concern le.." he say " of coz it does..later got anything..they all blame me.." he continue "i gtg le..late ad..bb"..then i cry agn..this time..my tears flow rapidly..agn..i dun think i can hold much longer...i really is veli sad..moodless..and i know alot of his fren dun like me..n they will do anything to make me stay away from me..and i think jean is one of em..i can feel tat she hates me too..there is onli a few of frens i hav now..

now..even i write this post i also can cry..coz..i really do love him deeply..but i know n i can be sure tat 101% he wont accept me back ad..

i hope tat u broke up wit me is coz of other things..i hope it will not becoz of u dun wan hurt me no more onli break up wit me..now..tat u break up wit me..this is the greatest hurt tat i can ever receive from u..n i think u're the onli one tat can bandage my wound..

i'm sry tat i wasted lots of ur money or i blame u on anything or i hurt u n tok back to u..i'm so sry..i hope u will forgiv me n giv me a 2nd chance..i really love u..n i will remain tat way..i'll love u till the day tat my life ends..and..i'll carry this love to heaven/hell..i will change my attidute towards u..i'll correct all my mistake..i'm so sry..pls..come back to me..i beg of u..

time heals every wound..but a deep cut of wound might not heal in 1-2 days..it might take 1-2years to heal..maybe..it cant even heal..

My Circumstances

2007-05-01T03:59:00.000-07:00

Relationship..:

~ Getting worse..
~ Dun Love Me As Much As Last Time
~ Stay Wit Jean More Then Me..
~ HAIH!!!

Frenship Wit Best.F..:

~ Getting Worse
~ She Nvr Bother To Tell Me Wats IS She Sobbing Of..(she used to do it last time)
~ I Feel Tat She Wans To Get ONLY Boys Attention instead of Gurls..(even my other fren thinks so)

~ Nvr Tok To Me Much
~ Occupying My Bf Like IS Hers
~ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

These Days My Life Is Getting More Lonely N Sad Each Day..My Life..Has Been Drain Away By My Sadness.."When Will My Life End?" I Thought And Answer to Myself.."Soon"
It Will Nvr Be The Same Again..

My Boy..

2007-04-17T15:37:00.000-07:00

here i am again..wit this blog..
this is especially to my boy..

today(17/6/2007)..tuesday..i'm having my anniversary today..but..when i reach school..then i tok to my frens..while toking..i was wondering.."where is he..he promised me he'd teman me always when i'm around.."..then i saw him..wit his 2 fren(girls)..then i got jealous bout it..then..later on..his classmate(gurl) came..she say.."looking at wat o.." then i reply.."looking at wat he is doing lo" then she glance at him for a moment..she say " ei..u know he n a gurl tat sit bside him veli close?..close till like couple.."..i knew tat..n then i reply.."i know tat..yet..i'm still jealous..y does he cpl wit me but dun tok to me..summore is my anniversary..haihzz"..then i tell her.."he wasnt like tat last time..n not tat know how to tok to gurls de.." she say "really meh.." then i ans.."kinda.."

oh well..

as the bell rang..it was reccess finally..

i went to the canteen..then i bought my food..while eating ..he came n sat infront of me..then..i act as nth happen..then he also like nth to say..so we 2 kept quiet till his 2 frens(boy) came n tok to him..then i say.."u teman yr fren la..i dun disturb u"..then he nvr say anything..n then i walk..
and nvr spoke to him till end of school..

all i'm trying to say is.."you broke ur promise..again..u know wat u did.."..

My Conffesion

2007-04-14T19:58:00.000-07:00

another lifeless blog..but this time is MY conffesion..

here it goes..

(14/4/2007, Sat)Today..i was having my scout test..n "he" came..he say tat..he came to cheer me for my test..but after a few min..he told me tat he'll be going to mamak store..coz my girlfren jean is there so he told me tat he is bored..n then i juz let him go..when i'm half way through my exam.."he" called n told me tat he is coming back school..he continue..coz his dad is fetching him home..when i heard tat..it was ok..but the really thing is..i actually felt kinda sad coz he hang out wit my fren more then me..its ok for juz today..coz i dun him to be bored..n when he reach school..my scout test ended..n.. i saw jean wit him..then i thought..jean is a veli veli impatient gurl..so she might wanna come school and go dota wit me..but unfortunately..she came coz she wanted to go home..haih..after tat...."he" was still toking to jean..as jean wanted to find sum1..when jean told me she going find tat sum1..i juz nodded..n then..i saw.."him" going wit jean n like thinking i was invisible..i know he n jean quite close..but..he changed..last time he used to stick wit whenever he saw me..but now..is like..there is nth pulling him to me..oh well..i dun think he still loved me as much as he used to..after tat..i reach the school gate..wanting to walk to mamak..i dun think he even thought of saying goodbye to me..n i juz let him go coz..i dun wanna make problems..nvm..after tat..i walk home ALONE..when i reach home..i was hot n sweaty..i wanted to take a bath 1st..but i was too exhausted..so i lie on my sofa n fell asleep..when i woke up..i had a fever..coz i walk n nvr cool down my body then slept..i smsed him..i say "i thnk i'm sick"..he nvr replied me..n after a few long hrs..he called me n say.."u sick ar??"..i ans.."yeah..abit..y?"..he say "i juz read ur msg"..i was like "now onli u know..i smsed 4hrs ago now onli u read??" then i say "y now onli read??i send it to u 4 hrs ago.."..he say " oh..i was sleeping tat time.."..then is like i'm KINDA ok wit it..then i say.."y dun u sms.."..he say " daddie dun let me sms ad.."..haih..nvm..then these whole dam bloody week..when reccess..he always go koperasi quite long..then when few min b4 class start he onli come back..n summore jean nvr come coz she got high fever..all is left was me alone sitting n eat..

conffesion is..all i wan u to be by my side even though tat i'm not happie..i juz wanna be wit u..then i wont feel lonely no more..i hope u'll know wat i'm trying to tell u..

i'm getting lonely n more lonely each day by each day..My life is ending..And it will end as soon as ur love for me is gone..

2007-02-10T17:42:00.000-08:00

valentine is near...but i have no idea y i so moody..i dun feel like chatting..i dun feel like eating nor play games...all i feel is like dying..i wan "him" by my side..but..sometimes i wonder..."does he understand me??" this question keep flowing n popping up from my mind..i wan "him" to know wat i nid n wat i wan..but the prob is i dunno how to tell "him"..i'm always relying on my frens to tell "him"..i'm sry guys(to wei jean n how han)..><

2days after valentine will be my anniversary wit "him" for 3 months..n on tat day..is also our school as malay called "merentas desa" is a running competition..=X..how special day it is..this week is gonna be a very fun week for everybody..i hope..haihhh..

i juz got news from "him" saying tat he will go to london..but dunno when..><..haih..is the 2nd time ad...last time he was he went to aus 1 week..so sien la when he went there..><..

ops..i gtg ad..byebye..
xoxo

p/s : Happy Valentine n Happy New Year ya'all..=]

1st time blog

2006-12-21T16:16:00.001-08:00

i sign up so long this is the 1st time i write blog..xD..hmm..wat to write in a blog ler~..hmmmm...lets say bout me!~hehe..i'm 13..i have a very best fren name jean..i know her this year..err..2006??xD..she is the wan tat help me wit this blog..=]..not onli her..still go another guy name kian hui~..they are the best..^^

oh,i have a bf..his name is kelvin(current bf) wahaha..he's cute..(not features cute)..he is abit blurr..err..mayb veli blurr..hehe..

tats it..stop bout my frens..xD

er..oh ya..i wan scold blogger..!!!

STUPID BLOGGER SO HARD TO DO!!!GRRR

hehe..paiseh~~

p/s xx> melli kelismass everyone~